if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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