You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
