My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
