i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
