I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
