is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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