Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
