allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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