I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
