lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
