I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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