My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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