Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
