Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
