I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
