areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
