I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
