After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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