I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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