does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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