Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
