Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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