I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
