I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
