We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
