Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
