I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
