I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
