My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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