You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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