I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
