I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
