I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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