I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
