I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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