wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
