The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
