peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
