If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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