she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
