So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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