i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
