i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
