i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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