You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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