I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
