and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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