I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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