I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
