Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
